Just having what I had to say yesterday about me being happy, I then had a nightmare straight away last night. The last thing I remember before entering Never-neverland was me thinking about my relationship with James. And guess what? The next thing I knew, I had a nightmare of us arguing. I don't remember exactly why we were arguing, but I knew it was about something insignificant and that the nightmare seemed SO SO SO REAL!
So, there we were - arguing. We were both lying on our bed. Then I couldn't take it anymore, and jumped out of bed, and got changed to go back to my house. James was like: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" When I left his room, I saw a couple having sex outside so I had no choice but to go back into his rom. (This bit was really LOL! haha) We sat down to talk about it, and things got a little better - more calm. But then it got worse again, and James was demanding me to leave his house immediately. He slapped me. I could FEEL the pain on the exact same left cheek he hit me before. I was so so so hurt, and I said to him: "You promised you would never ever hit me ever again. Why are you doing this?" The worst was he didn't even care. He just went on to hit me, pushing me around everywhere. He even put my stuff into boxes. I said: "Fine! I'll leave. This is it." I felt that I seriously meant it and NOTHING was going to change my mind. I just wanted to leave him for definite. The feeling was so strong.
Then I woke up, started tearing. Woke James up in hope that he'd comfort me. But instead, after saying "I'm here", he fell right back to sleep after a second, which made everything a lot worse. I felt even sadder. I was just left there crying on the bed for so long, while my boyfriend snoozed away.
I know you guys will just say it's a nightmare. But it seemed so real though. I don't know how to explain how real it was to you guys. It's EXACTLY how we would argue and react towards each others reactions. And the slap.......................... I guess I'll never get over it. I can't stop but think about it everyday ever since. It's like there's an invisible scar. And each time I think about it, I could feel the numbness in my left cheek. Help!
Oh my god! Enough with this fluctuation of moods already! If I get upset that easily, does that mean that I am unhappy all in all? Not being the cheerful me isn't really me at all. I'm always smiley and cheerful. I don't know how you guys imagine me when you think of me, but when I think of myself, I picture myself smiling. Now, I am just indifferent if not frowning. =[
I miss home. I miss you lots!
Life's ups and downs
Life is really a merry-go-round, huh? You go up and you go down on your pony. It's a never ending cycle. One minute you're really happy, the next even the tiniest of actions can bring that all back down into the deepest hole. Yet again, the tiniest of actions can bring that all back up high high into the sky. This goes to prove how unstable and vulnerable us humans are, unless of course you are that great so as to have mastered to control your emotions, and learn to forgive and forget. That, my friends, is very very hard to do. But I think these flaws and how we change over time make us such beautiful creatures. It's what makes life interesting. =]
Despite feeling so so so down the 2-3 weeks ago, I can say that I'm a really happy bunny now. Lol. What has happened, happened. All we can do is look forwards and move on. No use thinking about the past as there's nothing you can do to change history or take back what you've done. Time is always, always, always the key to healing ANY wound. Let it be hours, days, or even years, depending on how forgetful and forgiving you are. Lol. Anyway, what I'm saying is that thing's have changed, and James and I are a lot better than before. I thought things wouldn't go back to the way they were after what happened last time. Instead, I feel so so so much more loved now, especially after his birthday dinner.
Celebrated James' 21st last weekend. He was really upset that some of his bestest mates couldn't make it to his dinner. And his dad didn't really prioritise that evening well. I just felt so useless as I don't know much people here. No strings to pull. The only person I could really persuade was his dad. Although obviously he would come, I sent him a text nonetheless ensuring that he'd come to James' dinner as I could tell James was quite upset that his dad was probably not coming. That dinner turned out fine. And most importantly, James was happy. I am happy when he's happy. Before we slept that night, he said some really touching stuff, made me cry ='[ He hugged me so tightly to sleep, and gave me the most kisses when I'm asleep (even though asleep, but I could feel.. lol..) ever! =D
Then the next day, we went for dimsum with one of James' best friends, Max, and his gf, Shristi. A double date basically. I asked them the night before whether they wanted to go as I was craving dimsum, and surprisingly, they really wanted to. I really enjoyed my time with just the 4 of us. I am really glad that not only am I on closer terms with his family and his friends, we can get along well. I actually really like them, and like spending time with them.
I just finished my exams today. Fail for sure!!!!! Die!!!!! X_X
Going on James' driving experience this Saturday. I will be his "la la dui". I won't be surprised if I ended up cross-eyed by the end from seeing him go round in so many circles. Haha..
xoxo
Labels: happy girl and loved, relationships
what's been going on
Exams coming up next week!! Omg, omg, omg! For one subject, I am actually still learning everything from scratch! Like everything's brand new to me! Omgggg.. The other subject is ok. I just have to brush up. But I can't afford to fail! These exams are very very very the expensive!!! =S=S Wish me luck and pray hard for me people! Really need it!!!
I just realised I haven't updated my blog in a month now. Just celebrated our new 1 month anniversary 2 days ago. =)=) You know how when you just started dating, you celebrate 1 month anniversary, then 6 months, then maybe 9 months...... then it progresses to 1 year anniversary, then 1 1/2 years, then 2 years so on.. But I don't care! I want to celebrate as many "monthisaries" and anniversaries as I want. Just because this relationship is full of lurve that will never die down. Lol!!!
But speaking of it, we went through a nearly-break-up phase YET AGAIN! We both were drunk I guess. And omg, I did something I never ever ever ever thought I'd do! I went ballistic man! Running into the middle of the road when cars came, lying down on the road etc. Omgggg.. CRAZYYY!!! Seriously, I never knew I had it in me! =.='''''' Things kind of went really out of hands, and he slapped me huge in the face. Bear in mind, I have NEVER been slapped before and neither has he ever slapped someone in the face before! But no matter what happens, a guy should NEVER EVER hit a girl, especially if it is a girlfriend you love so much. And the fact that he hit me...... I don't know. I guess we're both fine now. It's just that what was done that night was irreversible, and I'd say a little part in me will never forget what he did.
Also, I just feel that I am willing to go that extra mile for him, sacrifice for him, but he won't do the same for me. He doesn't even remember the things he's promised me. I am not materialistic at all. Well, maybe to a certain extent. It's common for girls to want things from boyfriends, no? Anyway, my point is that, I don't care how much stuff he gets me. The fact that he always tells me how he has to do things because he's promised others. But when it comes to me, he doesn't even remember what they are. I just wish he'd understand it's not physical objects I'm asking for, it's small gestures like leaving me sweet notes so I get to see them when I wake up in the morning and he's not there, or saying things like "I appreciate what you've done for me" and things as simple as saying "thank you" or "I love you". But I guess being "sweet" is not in him.
Ok, enough of me ranting. It's James' 21st bday this Sunday (22nd Nov). We're going to London in the weekend. Going to have a joint birthday banquet dinner with another friend called John. They have the exact same birth dates. Lol.. The dinner will be in John's dad's restaurant in China Town. It'll be cool. I got James an Aston Martin and Rally experience for his birthday. Basically, he gets to drive an Aston Martin and drift around. He likes racing and drifting..... you know... guy stuff. Lol.. So hopefully he'll enjoy his day on the 28th. He better!!!! The gift costs like B$400+!! Officially bankrupt!
xoxo
Labels: feels underappreciated, sad