Just having what I had to say yesterday about me being happy, I then had a nightmare straight away last night. The last thing I remember before entering Never-neverland was me thinking about my relationship with James. And guess what? The next thing I knew, I had a nightmare of us arguing. I don't remember exactly why we were arguing, but I knew it was about something insignificant and that the nightmare seemed SO SO SO REAL!

So, there we were - arguing. We were both lying on our bed. Then I couldn't take it anymore, and jumped out of bed, and got changed to go back to my house. James was like: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" When I left his room, I saw a couple having sex outside so I had no choice but to go back into his rom. (This bit was really LOL! haha) We sat down to talk about it, and things got a little better - more calm. But then it got worse again, and James was demanding me to leave his house immediately. He slapped me. I could FEEL the pain on the exact same left cheek he hit me before. I was so so so hurt, and I said to him: "You promised you would never ever hit me ever again. Why are you doing this?" The worst was he didn't even care. He just went on to hit me, pushing me around everywhere. He even put my stuff into boxes. I said: "Fine! I'll leave. This is it." I felt that I seriously meant it and NOTHING was going to change my mind. I just wanted to leave him for definite. The feeling was so strong.

Then I woke up, started tearing. Woke James up in hope that he'd comfort me. But instead, after saying "I'm here", he fell right back to sleep after a second, which made everything a lot worse. I felt even sadder. I was just left there crying on the bed for so long, while my boyfriend snoozed away.

I know you guys will just say it's a nightmare. But it seemed so real though. I don't know how to explain how real it was to you guys. It's EXACTLY how we would argue and react towards each others reactions. And the slap.......................... I guess I'll never get over it. I can't stop but think about it everyday ever since. It's like there's an invisible scar. And each time I think about it, I could feel the numbness in my left cheek. Help!

Oh my god! Enough with this fluctuation of moods already! If I get upset that easily, does that mean that I am unhappy all in all? Not being the cheerful me isn't really me at all. I'm always smiley and cheerful. I don't know how you guys imagine me when you think of me, but when I think of myself, I picture myself smiling. Now, I am just indifferent if not frowning. =[

I miss home. I miss you lots!

Labels: nightmare, scarred